An open letter to my 1 year old
Today’s my birthday, but I felt like sharing the letter I wrote my son last month for when he turned 1. I was never any good at writing or organizing my thoughts, but going back and reading it made me realize it was a look into my own personal development. Unapologetic warning for general mushiness ahead, because such is the nature of these types of letters, and because I have no reason to be apologetic.
Originally written 12/21/2018.
My dearest Leon,
This month you turned 1 year old. I'm amazed we have already arrived this far, as it seemed not very long ago I was still worrying about how you were doing inside my tummy. You look so different now than when you were a newborn, I can hardly believe you're the same baby I brought home from the hospital! I already miss that time when you were so small and helpless, but I'm also relieved those sleepless nights are behind us.
The moment you came into this world I gained a new title. Suddenly I became "Mom". I never imagined that I could feel so much love for such a tiny thing. My reasons for working hard became centered around you. Your arrival put the world in a whole new perspective and taught me to see it differently. Small things that used to matter no longer mattered. Time became an even more precious commodity. There isn't enough time in the day to get hung up on trivial things when every moment is one to be treasured. Everything for you is a first time, a new discovery.
You are such a happy baby. The sound of your laugh is so pure and our most favorite sound in the world. (Conversely your crying when you realize you're going to be apart from us at daycare is gut-wrenching.) You have 7 teeth now so you make the cutest toothy grins! You love puffs and crackers and will eat them even if you're not hungry. Your favorite toy right now is a squeaky rubber ducky. You like putting everything in your mouth. Daddy bought you lots of flashy toys, but you prefer eating our game controllers or the TV remote. Even though we are constantly moving things out of your reach you still go after them relentlessly. You're just so persistent.
You babble sounds like dohdohdoh, dadada, bababa and sometimes even mamama. You are crawling so quickly now. If I look away for just a moment you can already be in another room. You are trying so hard to stand on your own, and laugh and clap triumphantly when Dad or I cheer for you. Whenever you fall you just get right back up, even when you're out of breath from trying. We are going to be in such big trouble when you begin walking soon. You're growing so quickly that I just want time to stop.
You're only 1 but you've already been to Japan and eaten tasty things! You've had ramen, chashu, delicious pasta, and high quality wagyu. What a lucky kid you are. Wherever we went, people around us would wave hello to you and say "so cute!". You love smiling back at everyone, you friendly boy. Will you grow up to love traveling like I do?
What kind of person will you become? Will you make lots of friends or have a few close ones? Will you be better than I was at math? Will you be interested in art? No matter who you grow up to be, I hope we raise you to be a good person. Though your dad will provide you the tools you need to survive, win battles, and to deftly navigate society's turbulent waters, I want to teach you that in spite of this troubled world, we should always remember to be kind.
I'm still learning how to be a good mom to you. Even though I did a lot of reading and asked friends for advice on how to prepare for parenthood, nothing would sufficiently prepare me for your arrival. Having you has really opened my eyes to and given me a deep appreciation for the hardships my own mother had to go through. Your grandma died 10 years before you were born. There are so many questions I wish I had the chance to ask her. Did she feel similar anxiety at becoming a parent for the first time? Did she have a close support system, was her mother around to help her? How was she able to handle the guilt of being unable to continue breastfeeding? Did she experience postpartum depression? Seeing others who are fortunate to have their mother around for support after the birth of their child, or having their parents available to babysit while they traveled left me feeling sorry for myself and missing her terribly. I still miss her so much.
I know your grandma would have loved the crap out of you. I wish that she was here to see your smile and hear your pure laugh and share in all of your milestones. She would have spoiled you, pushed for you to be baptized as soon as possible, and made sure you went to church and Sunday school. She would've made you green smoothies and made you eat your vitamins. Above all, she would have been the kindest and most patient grandma. I will try my best to follow her example of selflessness for her kids. During times which we argued, she would reply "You'll never understand until you have children of your own." Now that I've had you I'm slowly beginning to understand. I guess it was her way of telling me I'd need to figure some of it out myself.
If one day you should become a parent, I want to be there when you need me. Until then, I want to be present for you as much as and for as long as I possibly can. I may not always have the answers, but I'm certain we will be able to find them together.
But for now, happy first birthday Leon, the first of many more years of growing for both of us.
Mom
